On Wanting More and the 4 Ways I Found It
Photo Credit: Bhumika Bhatia
"I want more."That is what I told him. Him being my ex. When I told him, "I want more," he wasn't an ex. He was my boyfriend of five years. He was handsome, successful, affluent and his entire body was made of muscles. His skin was perfect. I loved his curly hair and the sound of his voice reminded me of jazz. He did all of the cooking and he did all of the cleaning. Also, sex was good. Very good. In fact, I often had to tap out after a handful of orgasms. He seemed to have an abundant well of energy and could keep going as long as I wanted him to. After weekend excursions with him, I would return home sore and tired. The "good kind" of sore. :-) And yet, during a heart to heart about pleasure, desire and passion, I said, "I want more." "What more do you want?" he asked. Thank goodness he didn't get defensive. However, I could tell he was frustrated. Frustrated because I found it hard to articulate what "MORE" meant. "Do you want to try something different? Do you want to try different positions? Is there a fantasy you want us to explore? Tell me and I'll do it," he said. So we did. I told him I had fantasized about being tied up. I wanted to be blindfolded. I wanted....well, I wanted some things that might make you blush. Basically put, a part of me did want to explore fetish and perhaps kinky things. So we did it. And still I would keep insisting, "I want more." It took a break up, pole dancing classes, a fetish lover and an intellectual lecture on the fourth wave of feminism before I understood what this inarticulate urging of "more" inside me meant.
The Break UpDespite my Ex having a "boyfriend resume" that highlighted the "best of the best" when it came to men on the surface level, I realized that our wild physical sex was only part of the equation. I was emotionally reserved with him because I felt like he was emotionally unavailable with me. Therefore in essence, I did not feel free. Honestly put, emotionally our relationship was a disaster and I'm sure that hampered the peak of pleasure I could possibly experience. We also didn't have much of a friendship. Mentally, I was still dealing with my own sexual syndromes. The "Act Like a Lady" Syndrome and the "Its Probably Better to Measure and Reserve My Wants" Syndrome which really is the "Act Like a Lady" Syndrome. Basically put, I had my own issues emotionally and mentally and they affected the pleasure I could truly attain. And also, "we" had issues of how we related to each other and that limited pleasure too. We could have had sex for a week straight, trying every position in the book and yet my orgasms would have been incomplete because I myself was not whole and the totality of our relationship was lacking. Ultimately I wanted pleasure that touched my core and not just my g-spot. I wasn't going to get it with him. We were too committed to our emotional depravity to work towards wholeness.
Pole DancingI literally started taking pole dance and sensual movement classes at the same time that I broke up with my Ex. From day one, the dance studio I attended encouraged us to explore, experiment and dwell in our sensual pleasure. Up until that point, no one in my life had given me that kind of talk. I was given behavioral advice and rules on being a sensual and sexual woman. I was given warnings on who to interact with emotionally. I was told that spiritually, I should be pure. It wasn't until I started taking pole dance classes at S Factor New York that I experienced encouragement to explore pleasure, sensuality and desire. I was told to feel. I was told to do what pleased me to do. I was told to physically take up space. In our yoga/pilates style warm up, our instructors gave us sensual cues for our movement. When doing a spine circle or when laying down flat on our backs, they told us to use our fingers to trace our bodies. "Have a conversation with your skin," one instructor insisted. My classes showed me that I needed my own individual sacred space, outside of any relationships to explore pleasure and sensuality. A lover cannot be the totality of my sexual, sensual and pleasure filled life. My classes showed me that I took pleasure in movement, in a slow build up, in fliratious eye contact and in pushing my body to its limits. This related to dance but I realized I wanted those same things as it related to sex. Simply put, I learned how I wanted to experience sex with a lover through my sensual explorations in pole dance class. This means inspiration for desire can be found in the unlikely of places. Perhaps the most amazing meal at a restaurant can expose to you, clues on how you really want to explore sensuality with a partner. For those who are stuck in the "I want more" but don't know how to go about getting the "more," maybe you've got to find inspiration. You've got to experiment outside your comfort zone. You've got to look at every day experiences in a different way to show you clues as to what turns you on and what helps you connect to the people in your life.
Fetish LoverI found him via online dating and had no a clue what I was in store for. After all the pleasantries, as a lover, he showed me a side of sexuality and sensuality that I did not even know existed. Yes, of course from the inference, he was into a fetish lifestyle. The "fetish" you're probably imagining is right. Bondage. Whips. Clamps. Oh my! But that's not what stood out to me. Yes, the physical exploration was exciting and different and stretched what I thought my boundaries were, but more-so than that my experiences with him pushed me towards sexual spirituality. In order to try kinky things with him I had to learn to have absolute trust in myself and in him. I did not simply give him my heart. I shared the entirety of myself with him. I had to be open, curious and willing. Never in my life had I taken a risk like that before. And what I found when tied up and bound or when fully encased was a place of peace. It sounds crazy. I know! However its true. Through sensual play, breath play and dominance & submission, I found a stillness inside myself. A stillness that engaged every part of me. I felt as if I were everything and nothing at once. I felt and experienced a spiritually sexual "more." I was Sheena. I was Goddess. I was Siren. I was Nothing. I was Everything. I was Energy. I was Spirit.
Intellectual LectureSomewhere around the time of my fetish excursions and pole dancing adventures, I attended a lecture series that explored women's rights, women's history and the fourth wave of feminism. The lecture was soul stirring but more-so than that, one book reference mentioned by the speaker led me on a search for even more literature that would give me the vocabulary to express what the urging growing inside of me was. I want to leave you with a few book recommendations that may aid in the next stage of your sexual and sensual evolution. The Return of Desire: A Guide to Rediscovering Your Sexual Passions by Gina Ogden "Instead of viewing desire as a commodity, something that we're in danger of losing or missing out on, I'd like us to agree up front that sexual desire is energy - a sustainable resource that's available to all of us if we want it, even those of us who may not have it right now. The key to finding desire sometimes request a deep and fearless search for yourself." Full Exposure: Opening Up to Sexual Creativity and Erotic Expression : by Susie Bright " [Sex] is first and always about the capacity to create and feel, and express and connect...I don't think anyone loves without an element of erotic tenderness, anxiety, and sense of wonder...Your erotic comprehensive is about being alive."
What French Women Know: About Love, Sex, and Other Matters of the Heart and Mind by Debra Ollivier"If there's one thing that French women seem to know....it's that love and sex rarely conform to predetermined strategies, how-to ground rules, or dating dogma. As they'll often tell you without much hesitation, finding happy trails in love and sex often involves trekking into Terra Incognita with a compass, but with a resolute openness to experiencing life in all its ravishing complexity." Shameless: How I Ditches the Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure...and somehow got home in time to cook dinner by Pamela Madsen "I got it fully that we have to stand up for what we want on this earth. Others may very well judge it, condemn it, and laugh at you. This world is not necessarily forgiving. We like to think that if we follow our desires and dreams, those around us will support and love us. But it doesn't always work that way. We have to really be committed to our own truths and be prepared for the occasional shit storm." Or perhaps more poignantly, this quote resonates even more. "There was one thing I knew for sure: I was going back for more."