How to Define Your Kink: Unconventional Simple Tips in a Conventional World
Photo Credit: Lies Through a Lens
We all have kinky energy inside of our soul, even the meekest among us. We may not acknowledge it for whatever reason, but the kink is there. Some of the common reasons we suppress or ignore our inner kink is due to religion, upbringing, fear, or caring about the opinions of others. Even the definition of KINKY, according to Merriam-Webster teaches us to base our preferences off of someone else’s idea. It states, relating to, having, or appealing to unconventional tastes especially in sex; also sexually deviant. Who is the authority for what’s conventional and unconventional in sex though? Who governs what is and isn't deviant? We have been inundated with messages, both consciously and subconsciously from everywhere regarding conventional and unconventional thinking, that we’ve now taken the spirituality and overall wellness out of acknowledging ourselves as sexual beings. Some of us, mainly what I know of western society, have been taught to speak in hushed tones and behind closed doors. Media has literally brainwashed us to a template for conventional sex, kinky, making it “naughty” and “guilty” pleasures. It is rare to hear that sexuality, even our kinky side is a natural and healthy form of self-love, self-awareness and self-expression. Being kinky simply gets a bad reputation. It is called unnatural, immoral, sinful and dirty. And usually anything outside of missionary style sex between a heterosexual, married couple is lumped into what is considered kinky. Because of this many women feel shame or shyness towards their kinky nature. It does not have to be that way. Every woman has some kink in her. Today, I encourage you not to suppress it. Instead, acknowledge it, affirm it and enjoy exploring it. I understand there will be resistance towards this. However, when we amend our often negative perceptions of what kink or even sexuality exemplifies; we will be more inclined towards discovery. Let’s diminish feeling dirty about thinking and acting on our kink. To do this, I have a few suggestions for you.
1. GET YOUR MIND RIGHT
Photo Credit: Lies Thru A Lens
One of the most important steps in finding your inner kinky is getting your mind right. You are probably going to have to erase and reprogram some of your previous views, mindsets and beliefs. We’ve been told and taught many things throughout our life that we accept our beliefs by default. Truly examine your beliefs in relation to your intuitive desires. If everything you want sexually, including the kink, is opposed to your “beliefs” it may be time to remove those negative thoughts. It may be time to mentally and philosophically let go of what you were told regarding sexuality and the idea of being “kinky”. Even though we are living in a hyper-sexualized society, we are still strangely socialized to deem sex and the exploration of it as risqué and a part of our unclean and sinful (not spiritual) nature that needs to be controlled. Being kinky can actually be another way to nourish yourself. It can also foster a positive exchange of energy in a healthy manner.
2. IDENTIFY WITHOUT JUDGEMENT OR INFLUENCE
Photo Credit: Lies Thru A Lens
Another very important component, to finding your inner kink, is to identify what it looks like to you without any judgment, limitations or outside influence. Turn your tv off. Do NOT ask for your friends’ opinions on it. Get off the internet…after you finish my article. Turn off the music for a little while. You can let outside sources inspire you but don’t let it create your definition of kinky or sexual freedom for you. Let to your own devices, this is what I want you to do. Let your imagination run buck wild. Create a kinky vision board, collage, mixed media journal or a (secret) board on Pinterest with images and quotes that you have collected. Everything should exemplify what YOU deem kinky. Include fun and empowering affirmations on it to put celebratory energy behind it. Give yourself permission to visualize however it looks like to you without any criticism.
3. ACKNOWLEDGE THAT NO TWO KINKS ARE THE SAME
Photo Credit: Lies Thru A Lens
DO NOT compare your kink to others. This includes movies, pornos, Beyonce’s latest video and that one article listing 5 ways to be kinky. KINK is a highly individualized and personal experience that you choose to keep to yourself or share with trusted partners. Everyone is different. In addition to everyone being different, it is important to acknowledge that one’s definition isn’t better or less than another person’s. It is simply different. Different is NOT the same as “better or less than.” That’s really it. My kink doesn’t look like handcuffs and whips, but that doesn’t make it any better or less than those whose does include that. And it also doesn’t mean that I won’t want to experiment with that at another time. Make sure you give yourself permission and grace to change and evolve sexually. Finding your inner kink is a spiritual journey through listening to and honoring what YOU want and like. It is celebrating it. It is getting in tune with YOU. Finding your kink is a mental job first. Once you stop inhibiting yourself by placing “sin” or “immorality” on the deemed “unconventional” and once you stop placing outward expectations on what it should be, look and feel like compared to others; you can create and have pride in what it is to you. Open your mind. Only entertain what makes sense for you. There’s not just one way or formula. Find comfort and confidence in that. Embrace this diversity and individuality.
4. LINGER IN YOUR KINKY CONFIDENCEPhoto Credit: Lies Thru A Lens
Confident women tend to ooze a certain energy that both men and women find sexy. This confidence emanates from an internal source and draws others in. The energy of knowing yourself and fully exploring yourself sexually and every other way is what turns others on the most. It turns them on sexually, intellectually, energetically, mentally, spiritually and more. This energy also helps to SUSTAIN intimate connections when the “honeymoon” phase wears off. The energy you give off amplifies what you visually bring to the table. Once the discomfort is gone and you truly embrace who you are and what you want, you can confidently express your kink in a healthy way that resonates with you. You don’t have to wave your freak flag everywhere you go, every second of the day but with a partner and/or situation you trust, you can feel confident in knowing what your kink is. With that knowing and confidence, you can sensually and sexually experience and express what you want. This kink journey will vary, evolve and change. It is important to know that it is a journey and not a race. You never reach a finish line because your thoughts and beliefs are always shape-shifting, changing and evolving. There are no time constraints or deadlines. Some things will come easy for you and others will take awhile. Embrace your journey and stay in your lane. Don’t rush it, simply live. It helps to be around people who are on similar journeys too and/or share similar outlooks. Not to compare notes, but to know that you are not alone!
5. EXPLORE YOUR FAVORITE THEME
Photo Credit: Lies Thru A Lens
I’ve said it before, kink looks differently for each person. Maybe kinky, to you, looks like greeting your lover in a candle lit room wearing red lipstick and a Bodybinds piece with nothing on underneath it. Maybe it looks like that one time you had sex, standing up, in your living room instead of your bed, traditional style. Maybe being kinky to you is talking about sex in the daytime and not behind closed doors. I’m a “Partition” kinda girl. The prominent theme in my deviating from conventional sex is undulating in the duality of what is socially deemed as good/comfortable versus what is socially deemed as bad/uncomfortable; conservative versus liberal. It’s wearing something totally “lady like” with nothing on underneath or slipping away for a quickie in a secluded area of a posh and upscale venue at formal ball, polishing myself back up afterwards and returning to the event. I like the perceived “good” and “bad” being layered into one situation; experiencing balance. My kink involves exploring both sides that create balance.
Are you ready to discover you inner kink and encourage it to come out and play? I’d love to read what it looks like to you. Feeling sexy is so much more than looking the part; it's an inside job first and then you can have fun with the outside.
What’s your kink?
Milan is a bohemian, new age, Scorpion lady with sophistication and funk. She has a passion for life and adventure and is a glutton for books and all things creative. You can find her at any of your local cultural events, in the park practicing yoga, in the kitchen jamming to A Tribe Called Quest songs while cooking dinner or her blog www.AGrlCanMAC.com talking about life and beauty.
SPECIAL NOTE: For the months of January and February the editorial focus of the Bodybinds Blog will be ALL ABOUT KINK.While we may cover a few other topics here or there, you will notice a lot of features on the topic of KINK. If you are interested in guest writing, being interviewed or featured, please email the editor at Sheena@PDBloggers.com.