How to Define Your Kink: Unconventional Simple Tips in a Conventional World

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Photo Credit: Lies Through a Lens

We all have kinky energy inside of our soul, even the meekest among us. We may not acknowledge it for whatever reason, but the kink is there. Some of the common reasons we suppress or ignore our inner kink is due to religion, upbringing, fear, or caring about the opinions of others.  Even the definition of KINKY, according to  Merriam-Webster  teaches us to base our preferences off of someone else’s idea. It states, relating to, having, or appealing to unconventional tastes especially in sex; also sexually deviant. Who is the authority for what’s conventional and unconventional in sex though? Who governs what is and isn’t deviant?

We have been inundated with messages, both consciously and subconsciously from everywhere regarding conventional and unconventional thinking, that we’ve now taken the spirituality and overall wellness out of acknowledging ourselves as sexual beings. Some of us, mainly what I know of western society, have been taught to speak in hushed tones and behind closed doors. Media has literally brainwashed us to a template for conventional sex, kinky, making it “naughty” and “guilty” pleasures. It is rare to hear that sexuality, even our kinky side is a natural and healthy form of self-love, self-awareness and self-expression. Being kinky simply gets a bad reputation. It is called unnatural, immoral, sinful and dirty. And usually anything outside of missionary style sex between a heterosexual, married couple is lumped into what is considered kinky.  Because of this many women feel shame or shyness towards their kinky nature. It does not have to be that way.

Every woman has some kink in her. Today, I encourage you not to suppress it. Instead, acknowledge it, affirm it and enjoy exploring it. I understand there will be resistance towards this. However, when we amend our often negative perceptions of what kink or even sexuality exemplifies; we will be more inclined towards discovery. Let’s diminish feeling dirty about thinking and acting on our kink. To do this, I have a few suggestions for you.

 1. GET YOUR MIND RIGHT

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Photo Credit: Lies Thru A Lens

One of the most important steps in finding your inner kinky is getting your mind right. You are probably going to have to erase and reprogram some of your previous views, mindsets and beliefs.  We’ve been told and taught many things throughout our life that we accept our beliefs by default. Truly examine your beliefs in relation to your intuitive desires. If everything you want sexually, including the kink, is opposed to your “beliefs” it may be time to remove those negative thoughts. It may be time to mentally and philosophically let go of what you were told regarding sexuality and the idea of being “kinky”. Even though we are living in a hyper-sexualized society, we are still strangely socialized to deem sex and the exploration of it as risqué and a part of our unclean and sinful (not spiritual) nature that needs to be controlled. Being kinky can actually be another way to nourish yourself. It can also foster a positive exchange of energy in a healthy manner.

2. IDENTIFY WITHOUT JUDGEMENT OR INFLUENCE

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Photo Credit: Lies Thru A Lens

Another very important component, to finding your inner kink, is to identify what it looks like to you without any judgment, limitations or outside influence. Turn your tv off. Do NOT ask for your friends’ opinions on it. Get off the internet…after you finish my article. Turn off the music for a little while. You can let outside sources inspire you but don’t let it create your definition of kinky or sexual freedom for you. Let to your own devices, this is what I want you to do. Let your imagination run buck wild. Create a kinky vision board, collage, mixed media journal or a (secret) board on Pinterest with images and quotes that you have collected. Everything should exemplify what YOU deem kinky. Include fun and empowering affirmations on it to put celebratory energy behind it. Give yourself permission to visualize however it looks like to you without any criticism.

3. ACKNOWLEDGE THAT NO TWO KINKS ARE THE SAME

"how to define you kink" - bodybinds.com

Photo Credit: Lies Thru A Lens

DO NOT compare your kink to others. This includes movies, pornos, Beyonce’s latest video and that one article listing 5 ways to be kinky. KINK is a highly individualized and personal experience that you choose to keep to yourself or share with trusted partners. Everyone is different. In addition to everyone being different, it is important to acknowledge that one’s definition isn’t better or less than another person’s. It is simply different.  Different is NOT the same as “better or less than.” That’s really it.

My kink doesn’t look like handcuffs and whips, but that doesn’t make it any better or less than those whose does include that. And it also doesn’t mean that I won’t want to experiment with that at another time. Make sure you give yourself permission and grace to change and evolve sexually. Finding your inner kink is a spiritual journey through listening to and honoring what YOU want and like. It is celebrating it. It is getting in tune with YOU.  Finding your kink is a mental job first. Once you stop inhibiting yourself by placing “sin” or “immorality” on the deemed “unconventional” and once you stop placing outward expectations on what it should be, look and feel like compared to others; you can create and have pride in what it is to you. Open your mind. Only entertain what makes sense for you. There’s not just one way or formula. Find comfort and confidence in that. Embrace this diversity and individuality.

4. LINGER IN YOUR KINKY CONFIDENCE

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Photo Credit” Lies Thru A Lens

Confident women tend to ooze a certain energy that both men and women find sexy. This confidence emanates from an internal source and draws others in. The energy of knowing yourself and fully exploring yourself sexually and every other way is what turns others on the most. It turns them on sexually, intellectually, energetically, mentally, spiritually and more. This energy also helps to SUSTAIN intimate connections when the “honeymoon” phase wears off. The energy you give off amplifies what you visually bring to the table. Once the discomfort is gone and you truly embrace who you are and what you want, you can confidently express your kink in a healthy way that resonates with you. You don’t have to wave your freak flag everywhere you go, every second of the day but with a partner and/or situation you trust, you can feel confident in knowing what your kink is.

With that knowing and confidence, you can sensually and sexually experience and express what you want. This kink journey will vary, evolve and change. It is important to know that it is a journey and not a race. You never reach a finish line because your thoughts and beliefs are always shape-shifting, changing and evolving. There are no time constraints or deadlines. Some things will come easy for you and others will take awhile. Embrace your journey and stay in your lane. Don’t rush it, simply live. It helps to be around people who are on similar journeys too and/or share similar outlooks. Not to compare notes, but to know that you are not alone!

5. EXPLORE YOUR FAVORITE THEME

 

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Photo Credit: Lies Thru A Lens

I’ve said it before, kink looks differently for each person. Maybe kinky, to you, looks like greeting your lover in a candle lit room wearing red lipstick and a Bodybinds piece with nothing on underneath it. Maybe it looks like that one time you had sex, standing up, in your living room instead of your bed, traditional style. Maybe being kinky to you is talking about sex in the daytime and not behind closed doors. I’m a Partition” kinda girl.

The prominent theme in my deviating from conventional sex is undulating in the duality of what is socially deemed as good/comfortable versus what is socially deemed as bad/uncomfortable; conservative versus liberal. It’s wearing something totally “lady like” with nothing on underneath or slipping away for a quickie in a secluded area of a posh and upscale venue at formal ball, polishing myself back up afterwards and returning to the event. I like the perceived “good” and “bad” being layered into one situation; experiencing balance. My kink involves exploring both sides that create balance. 

Are you ready to discover you inner kink and encourage it to come out and play? I’d love to read what it looks like to you. Feeling sexy is so much more than looking the part; it’s an inside job first and then you can have fun with the outside.

What’s your kink?


"How to define your kink" - bodybinds.com

Milan is a bohemian, new age, Scorpion lady with sophistication and funk. She has a passion for life and adventure and is a glutton for books and all things creative. You can find her at any of your local cultural events, in the park practicing yoga, in the kitchen jamming to A Tribe Called Quest songs while cooking dinner or her blog www.AGrlCanMAC.com talking about life and beauty.

SPECIAL NOTE: For the months of January and February the editorial focus of the Bodybinds Blog will be ALL ABOUT KINK.While we may cover a few other topics here or there, you will notice a lot of features on the topic of KINK.  If you are interested in guest writing, being interviewed or featured, please email the editor at Sheena@PDBloggers.com.

Creative Commons License:  Lies Thru a Lens

How to Buy Lingerie She’ll Absolutely Love If You’re a Man

Lingerie is inherently decedent. No one NEEDS lingerie. No one NEEDS to wrap themselves in silk or bind their body in straps, but DAMN does it make a woman feel all sorts of sexy to wear it. There is a luxurious femininity that comes with lingerie and makes giving it as a gift an intimate and sensual experience for all involved. But the process of purchasing said lingerie ….well that’s a whole other story. One of my first jobs out of high school was working at a major lingerie retailer. While I will never miss reorganizing piles of panties left in big wads on the floor after one of numerous sales,  one of my absolute favorite parts of the job was helping men shop for the women in their life. Why? Because it was equal parts sweet and hilarious. I had assumed, over my previous 18 years. that adult men understood how  women’s clothing, specifically lingerie, works….NOPE! (Ladies, did you know that there is a large segment of men who think skirts and dresses are the same thing!? Yup, shocks me every time!) Well, it’s not your fault because shopping for lingerie is tricky even if you are buying it for yourself.  So to help make the process a bit less painful here are some handy dandy rules to buying lingerie for your lady:

 

  1. PAY ATTENTION

First rule of buying clothing of any kind for your lady is to pay close attention to what she actually wears. Is she a no nonsense dresser who likes clean lines and practical pieces?  Then look for  items that are monochromatic with small, unfussy details like unique seaming. Or does she layer herself in ruffles, sparkles, and girly prints? Then look for items that play on the feminine fantasy of lingerie – think layers of sheer fabrics, rhinestone and ribbon details, and mixed fabric combinations. Looking to what she wears on a daily basis is a safe way to start shopping for lingerie items for her because you know what styles and colors she feels comfortable in most often. You will also want to start scoping out the sizes and brands she wears most often. Fun thing about women’s sizing is that it can be very incontinence between brands and what she wears in one could be completely different in another. Do your best to find common sizes between her favorite pieces or keep it simple by sticking with the brands in the sizes she already wears.

 2. DIG DEEPER

Warning: What she wears everyday may not be what she wants to receive for lingerie! So along with checking out her day to day wear for inspiration listen to how she talks about her clothing. She may wear black every day, but if she is always complaining about the lack of color in her life this might be the time let her know you are listening and get her an item in a brighter hue. Just don’t take things too far and go the exact opposite of her look, take a baby step in that direction, i.e. if she wants to stay away from black try a deep purple or dark red – DO NOT jump to florescent pink (unless she has specifically pointed to that item in that color as something she would like). For many women, myself included, we don’t want our lingerie to be practical, we want fantasy! Just because your honey sports a baseball tee and boyfriend jeans that does not necessarily mean she wants to receive a Red Sox bra and panty set. She might be crying out for leather and lace, but you’d have no idea unless you do some extra searching. How to dig deeper:

  • Scour her Pinterest page – She may even have an entire board dedicated to lingerie!
  • What does she wear when she has to dress up – Most women stick with easy pieces for everyday wear, but what she wears for special occasions when she has the opportunity to dress up can tell you what fantasy style she really enjoys
  • Who is she between the sheets? Find pieces that will bring out her sensual creature.
  • Ask her – No, not the most romantic way to go about it, but you can sneak in questions by asking her months ahead of time or pointing items out in magazines and store windows

3. KNOW HOW BRAS ACTUALLY WORK

As a fan of erotica I’ve noticed an odd trend in male written stories – a woman is described as being petite and busty wearing a size 42DD bra …WHAT?! After seeing this mistake time after time it dawned on me that there is a lot of confusion about how bra sizing works. So why is a 42DD bra a mistake for a petite, but busty woman? Because while she may have large breasts (making the DD cup size appropriate), a petite woman would have a small band size so she would be closer to a 32DD – check out my handy diagram:  photo 0fb96117-a98f-4642-adb3-4b4d8c3d87a6_zps12c1055e.pngNow that you know how bra sizing works unfortunately that doesn’t mean you can just pick up any bra in that size and it is going to work for her… yes, it’s tricky being a woman. This is where rule #1 comes into play, play detective and dig through your woman’s bra drawer. What brands is she wearing? What styles? Does she like padding or prefer no lining? Again you can play it safe by keeping to the brands you already know she likes, which likely carry styles and designs she enjoys.

4. THINK OUTSIDE THE BRA

There is a wide world of lingerie out there – don’t limit yourself to the usual!  photo 9078d26d-d3ab-42d0-9dd4-e55f8d76b896_zps574a2b25.png

5. ASK A PROFESSIONAL

Take all the info you gathered: preferred colors, styles, sizing, a picture is always handy (or her Facebook page at the ready on your smart phone) and bring it to the professionals at a lingerie store. Expect to spend some time at the store and share everything you’ve learned about your sweetheart. Along with helping you navigate the racks of silk and chiffon, they can also assist with finding the appropriate sizes and give style suggestions. But….

Trust your instincts! You know what makes your girlfriend/wife/lover/sex kitten feel her sexy, sensual best!

ASK YOURSELF THIS QUESTION BEFORE PURCHASING:

IS THIS REALLY JUST A PRESENT FOR YOU?

Don’t confuse what you would like to see her in with what she actually wants to wear. A comfortable woman is a sexy woman. That doesn’t mean your lady won’t love being bound in leather, but a woman who is uncomfortable in what she is wearing, especially one that is intended to make her feel sexy, well its going to have the exact opposite affect. Things you should not assume she likes:

  • Crotchless panties
  • Open bra cups (nipples showing)
  • Pearl or rhinestone thongs
  • Latex, leather,  or fur
  • Custom corsets (they require a lot of specific measurements that the wearer should be involved in)

Safety Pieces:

  • Robes – Keep it sexy with sumptuous fabrics, lace details, and sheer panels
  • Sleepwear/Slips – Again stay away from purely practical pieces and choose items in lux fabrics, sexy cut-outs, and feminine detailing.
  • Items that fit multiple sizes – As you can see above choosing the right size can be tricky so keep it simple with lingerie pieces like Bodybinds, which fit many sizes comfortably and are multipurpose.

WHAT IF SHE DOESN’T LIKE IT:

Chances are if you do your homework she is going to love what you chose, but in case everything didn’t go as planned be sure to check out the stores return policy BEFORE purchasing. Most lingerie stores will not accept returns especially on undies, however some major lingerie retailers do so you may be in luck. If the store has a lax return policy you might want to think of purchasing multiple items so she can choose her favorite!

MEN: What are your lingerie questions?

WOMEN: What do you most want men to know about lingerie?

 Jillian is an avid pole dance student, accessories and costume designer, rhinestone aficionado, and a PDBloggers Executive Committee Member. She also writes at PoleGeekBlog.com.

 

Confessions of Sirens: What You Need to Know About Fetish and Kink

You never really know who’s KINKY until something triggers their inner siren to come out and play. I find that a lot of people are not as forthcoming in everyday conversations when the topic of Sex, Kink or Fetish arise. Perhaps after a few drinks. Maybe at an intimate dinner between close friends. Sometimes, late at night when you’re in the bed with your lover. Seldom though, do you find daring women willing to put their kink on the line in a public forum.

"intro to fetish and kink" - bodybinds.com

That isn’t the case for Remy Fontaine. She’s a model and make up artist that I met over a year ago during a creative retreat lead by photographer Jessica  Lark.  After posting The Sexy Benefits of Eating Dark Chocolate,”  on my personal facebook page, Remy started writing suggestions on how to apply the chocolate to your lover’s body, what tools to use and what to do with the chocolate once on the skin.

I was turned on, intrigued and captivated. I knew that she and I needed to talk. Therefore months later, when Jackie, the Owner of Bodybinds and I met to discuss the editorial focus of 2015, I immediately though of my friend, model and makeup artist Remy when we determined that January and February would be all about KINK. If anyone had great ideas and thoughts on KINK, I knew it was REMY.

In our hour long video chat, we cover a great deal of information. I suggest getting comfortable. Go put on something sexy. Make a sensual cup of tea. Maybe grab your favorite chocolate. Light a yummy smelling candle and sit back and listen to our discussion. Below you will find a time marked guide to our topics and further down you will find our salacious video conversation.

"fetish and kink agenda" - bodybinds.com

One of the main reasons Remy and I had this discussion is because we believe the more open, expressive, honest and transparent women are regarding all areas of their lives including sexuality and sensuality, the more freedom, joy and liberation they will experience.  A Bodybinds woman is bold, daring, powerful, confident, edgy and sexy, among many other attributes and by sharing our personal experiences, we hope to inspire some boldness in your lives too! Also, before you even ask, I’m wearing the Anna Reversible Harness top available on Bodybinds.com.

How do you define KINK and FETISH? What are some of your kinks?  What prompts and ideas do you have for anyone wanting to explore kink? What would you like Remy and I to discuss next?

 



Remy Fontaine is a creative spirit that thrives though her projects in makeup artistry and creative design in mediums including costume and prop design. She spent her time in school learning about the science, psychology and art of human sexuality, and enjoys educating and enjoying it to the best of her ability! During the day, she works in marketing and the wrangling and management of a gaggle of specialized maintenance technicians. 

Sheena LaShay is a Wild Magical Woman, Boudoir Photographer, Writer, and most importantly a Pole Dancer. She writes for SheenaLaShay.com, Owning Pink, Verizon Wireless and is the Co-President & Editor-in-Chief of the #PDBloggers.

SPECIAL NOTE: For the months of January and February the editorial focus of the Bodybinds Blog will be ALL ABOUT KINK.While we may cover a few other topics here or there, you will notice a lot of features on the topic of KINK.  If you are interested in guest writing, being interviewed or featured, please email the editor at Sheena@PDBloggers.com.

 Creative Commons Photo Credit: Smplstc